I want to write and tell stories.

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Solution to the Slump you have been waiting for.

We’ve all seen the doomsday press articles on the slump in movie attendance this summer in the US. They have been proven wrong or not as bad as first suggested. However, one I saw the other day said that there was a definite slump in 18-24 males going to the movies as they are staying home and either playing video games or watching DVD’s. No surprise there really, sounds quite feasible.

Well you will be happy to know I have racked my brain, and come up with the solution that will rectify this situation. I believe that as is often the case these things are over-analyzed and the resulting remedies are more akin to developing NASA from the ground up, then of any real use.

So here it is, the big fix.


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Yep. Even got you a chrome plated baby for anyone who doesn’t know what they look like.

Miniguns. That demographic loves ‘em. Yes, I hear you, but no, M16’s and such just wont do it. Double barreled sawn-off shotguns, they only work in English films directed by Guy Richie(that DON'T have Madonna in it)

Think about one of the most popular films…..Predator…what scene does everyone remember………the Minigun scene.

So, any film in trouble just needs their own Minigun scene!

All the studios need to do, is look at their lineup, and if there is any doubt on a movie……whack in a Minigun.

Simple and effective.

Let’s illustrate with a few examples.

Say you had problems on “Stuart Little 3: Worms in the Plane”, you keep the cute little plane, that’s a winner…..but add the Minigun….aahhhh see you get it now! Yep cats going left right and centre as Stuart starts ploughing fields through the city, and lets see that falcon dogfight him in the air now!

Lets go totally rightfield, or left or whatever the hell it is in baseball where you guys go…..Snakes on a Plane……..got some structure problems? But you have Snakes, and you have da man, Samuel Jackson……just add the goddamn Minigun…and hey presto, structure problems are fixed!

Damn all these new fandangled methods……we have a new one, the Minigun Method….I think I am going to patent that. If you don't like it, talk to the Minigun!

Okay lets keep going. Dukes of Hazard didn’t really set any denim hotpants on fire really did it? Add the Minigun to the General Lee…….babaam! Boss Hogg is now running scared!


Everything is being remade, so what is next?

Laverne and Shirley, with Squiggy, Lenny, and good ol’ Carmine. Having trouble getting going? No problem, add a Minigun into the fray with Squiggy and hijinks ensue!! Family fun at it’s best. Watch Carmine quickstep around that little baby!

Charles in Charge……….he is now with the, you guessed it! Minigun! See those kids move!

Even with new shows on TV this season, some are doing okay, others are wobbling, fix that wobble! Use the Minigun method.

Prison Break, doing okay from what I hear, but not breaking records. Add the Minigun!

Sex, Lies and Secrets – axed……see, should have Sex, Lies and Miniguns….surefire hit!

Killer Instinct and Night Stalker, you got it! Miniguns all round.

So there you have it. Dave’s surefire method to fix any problems with your movie.

I’m off to buy shares in Minigun replica companies.

No need for thanks.


At 4:00 am, Blogger Matt Waggoner said...

I think DOOM (opening Oct 21) will be ahead of the curve on the minigun-scene front. :)

At 9:05 pm, Blogger Grubber said...

Just caught first previews of that film this weekend over here. Yes, that is absolutely adhering to the Minigun Method;-) and I am sure will be a hit with the 18-24 year old male!


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